Anorexia isn’t about being fat, it’s about having fat. Any fat. Any bulge or fold or winkle that isn’t skin, muscle or bone. Fat’s too dangerous. It’s too amorphous. It has no structure, it dimples and jiggles and droops. It is born of a disturbing, invisible alchemy, by which a cracker, a slice of cake, a pickle, a ham sandwich, all of it is rendered into the same tallow congealed beneath your skin. Fat gets away from you. You could almost imagine that it replicates itself, that once you lay down that first layer, your fat will take over from there. You could imagine yourself consumed by it, swallowed and suffocated by it, pulled down and drowned in it. Fat does not negotiate, it rampages.
Therefore the only way to be sure you are safe from it, is to allow none of it, not one ounce or curve of it. You must strip yourself to skin stretched like a canvas on a frame of bone, and even then you have merely fought to a stalemate, a permanent demilitarized zone along which you must stand vigilant at all times. You have to stake out your border…
…Anorexia is not about being pretty. It’s not about being desirable. It’s not even about being thin, really, because “thin” doesn’t begin to describe what you’re aiming for. Thin is too transient, too untrustworthy, too liable to slip away from you in a bite here, a nibble there. What you want is bone: absolute, impermeable, the Maginot line. Anorexia is not for the weak."
Extract from Skin Game, by Caroline Kettlewell (via skinny-secrets)
this is beautiful. Everyone who doesn’t understand eating disorders should read this.
Will always post this because its so real for me.